Draped over the side of a hill in one of the nicest bits of the world (Sonoma County, California) is one of the most boring race tracks in the history of the world (The Artist Formerly Known As Sears Point Raceway). Sure, the track is picturesque and quite technical, but there is only one passing zone in the entire place, and one of the only redeeming bits (the esses) is broken up for IndyCar by a stupid chicane in the interest of safety.
Interestingly enough, the most dangerous part of the track seems to be not the big wall at the bottom of the esses, but the blind brow at the exit of Turn 4. As this video will show you, Nelson Philippe got loose out of the turn and ended up parked on the racing line on the other side of the hill. E.J. Viso managed to put on the brakes and nipped the nose off of Philippe's car. Will Power was slightly less lucky, made full contact with the front half of Philippe's car, and came out with two busted vertebrae and a concussion for it. In the "I Drive Green" car, Philippe had an open fracture in one of his feet and his own concussion. Luckily, this didn't happen on an oval, or we'd have a Paul Dana or Alex Zanardi situation on our hands.
As for my predictions on the race itself...:
Winner: Dario Franchitti. Brian Barnhart, Iron Hand of Justice, has been quoted as saying he who takes pole position has the right to lead the field into the first turn. Sears Point is an impossible track on which to pass. Dario Franchitti, being the polesitter, is therefore a shoe-in to win this race.
Dark Horse: Marco Andretti. Before he became the first name in post-race complaining, Marco Andretti was a race winner at this track (2006). Marco will need to make some solid moves to find the lead, then hope Hideki Mutoh or someone magically spins their car at a place where cars generally don't spin while Marco is desperately trying to save fuel, and he'll win again.
Ninja Dark Horse: Franck Montagny. Sure, Andretti-Green Racing has competed in the IRL for many years now, but longtime Indy Lights team AFS/Andretti-Green has never been listed as an entrant in the top tier...UNTIL TODAY! Franck "The Tank" qualified a solid sixth on the grid and certainly has the road racing experience to put himself near the top.
Danica Watch: This is an interesting one for Danica: she has apparently made her decision for next year and appears to be all-but-signed with Mike Andretti for a few years. Will she turn the wick down on this season, or will she drive harder now that her future has apparently been determined? I say she's lucky to come out with a top ten.
VERSUS broadcast has begun...HERE WE GO...to sleep!
5:05, pre-race
Bob Jenkins has informed us that part of this pre-race show will be a big snake with Jack Arute...which sounds like the name of the worst adult film anyone could imagine.
5:07, pre-race
Requisite interviews with the uninteresting, accented guys who will probably be in contention to win...I really payed no attention to what was being said.
5:09, pre-race
Injury update! Willy P. is apparently doing okay for someone whose car got slaughtered yesterday. Nelson Philippe has a busted foot and busted leg, but should be fine in time. Will has job security, of course, but Nelson might have a tough go getting off of this injury and back into these cars, in my opinion.
5:13, pre-race
Jack Arute and Michael Andretti, on top of a scenic mountain somewhere, talk up the deal with Danica. Mike says nothing done yet, but he sounds optimistic. Also of note: AGR has five cars in the top 11 on today's grid...that's pretty solid.
5:15, pre-race
Danica, being coy as usual. She happens to be that 11th-place AGR car.
5:19, pre-race
Lindy Thackston goes deep into the behind-the-scenes of IndyCar ownership: owners with wineries. Jimmy Vasser and Kevin Kalkhoven are teaming up to get Lindy drunk off the wines they grow. Apparently, Jimmy's is better according to some testers at the winery. As an aside, if you are out in Sonoma sometime, do take a trip to Andretti Winery; it's a fantastic little place and they actually make some pretty solid grape juice there.
5:22, pre-race
Apparently, the driver intros are done with trolley cars instead of the usual pickup truck. You know...that's actually kinda cool.
5:31, pre-race
Apparently, Helio and Mario Moraes ran afoul of each other in pre-race warmups today. By the way, a warm welcome back to Mario, who's back from Brazil and his father's funeral.
5:33, pre-race
FINALLY! An exposé on how ridiculous E.J. Viso is. Jack Arute gets some valuable time with E.J.'s pet snake while E.J. laughs his ass off. I've never seen Arute so completely flummoxed as when he was wrapped in a boa constrictor.
5:36, pre-race
I am completely offended right now...Robbie called the second-grandest event in all of classic automobilia the "Concourse de Elegance" with the lamest American accent that anyone could possibly put on. Robbie Buhl now talking up the Historic GP, which is actually something that is entirely cool...nothing like the Monterey Historics, though.
5:41, pre-race
Wait...Scott Dixon had a problem in qualifying? I've seriously been so out of it for the past couple days that it's silly...
5:45, pre-race
Some women's basketball player just called the command -- much better than the librarian or whoever last race -- and we are ready and rarin' to go.
5:49, pre-race
One more trip through the hills before we light this candle. Buckle up and get your pot of coffee going, kids!
Lap 1
GREEN GREEN GREEN! Briscoe nearly crashed on the start. Montagny is off-course, Patrick followed, and Scott Dixon is parked dead-center on the racetrack. Graham Rahal has also had issues...as has Viso, and finally we are...YELLOW YELLOW YELLOW!
Lap 2
I can't even begin to tell you exactly what happened there...a lot of cars ran up each others' asses in Turn 1. Micheal Andretti is welcomed to the new era of being sole operator of his team by having (I think) FOUR of his five cars involved in the calamity. Oops.
Lap 3
Judging by who hit the pits on timing & scoring, here's who I think was involved: Kanaan Dixon, Andretti, Duno, Conway, Montagny, Rahal, Patrick, and Viso. There may have been more. Rahal is out due to a busted driveshaft.
Lap 5
We are GREEN! Much cleaner running this time as Dario, Briscoe, and Helio try to run off from the field.
Lap 6
Justin Wilson took a pit stop before the start, started from the back, and got to simply drive past the calamity at the second turn. He has picked up all of ELEVEN positions. He's now coming in to get red tires (he has three sets) and into clear track. Iiiiinteresting strategy.
Lap 9
Some sick side-by-side on the side-by-side by Ryan Hunter-Reay and Bobby D. Bobby nearly put it off the track in Turn 7 under pressure from the Foyt Racing car.
Lap 10
Naturally, we only watch that totally interesting battle during side-by-side and switch back to a bunch of nothing when the broadcast is back on full. Smooth move, Herr Direktor.
Lap 12
The field appears to have paired off into little battles. Dario/Briscoe up front, Helio/Mutoh next, Wheldon/Moraes, then BobbyD/RHR.
Lap 14
Mario Moraes is fast...if he doesn't run into anyone, watch out.
Lap 16
There's less than a second between the leaders and we JUST NOW switched back to them...after watching Moraes do nothing for a while.
Lap 18
Wow...Homestead and the IRL are apparently PROMOTING A RACE. Apart from their dubious use of the word "celebrity" over a shot of Tara Reid, I'd say that's a good thing.
Lap 22
Ryan Hunter-Reay has used 7 of his overtake button pushes and still hasn't gotten around Bobby D. Proof that, no matter what you do to the car, technology cannot defeat a poor track.
Lap 25
A third of the way into the race, and pit stops for something other than busted front wings begin. Dixon and Andretti in and out, Dixon gets by Andretti as Marco exits the pit lane.
Lap 26
Graham Rahal strapping back in, hoping every other car on track spontaneously combusts.
Lap 27
Lotsa guys in...except for Dario...and Mike Conway...and there was a near pit fire in Moraes' pit.
Lap 28
Franchitti in...pass for the lead coming....? Wow, no. Dario out miles ahead of Briscoe. Meantime, RHR knocked his wing off on the back of Oriol Servia's car...racing incident, judging by the replays.
Lap 30
Justin Wilson nearly punted Dixon off the road on his out lap. Wilson's ridiculous pit strategy is causing problems for him right now.
Lap 31
Some ridiculous bottlenecking going on...the big loser of the group was one Danica Patrick. In the meantime, the entire field is in pretty much the same order it was before the pit stops.
Lap 35
I didn't recognize Mike Conway's car because he's picked up some new sponsor-ness. Mikey is puttin' the heat on Danny Wheldon while Oriol Servia lurks in the background.
Lap 36
This otherwise boring track has been made much more interesting by the fact that Scott Dixon dropped way back at the start and is now punching his way through the field.
Lap 40
Moving Chicane puts some interest into the massive battle for 12th. J. Willy was all up in Bobby D's business, other cars were going three wide behind them...it was kinda ridiculous.
Lap 41
As I watch my television, the battle for the lead gets steadily more interesting. Helio has now caught up to Briscoe and Dario...possible team orders? Probably. Also, Will Power is providing live commentary via text message from the hospital.
Lap 44
If you voted right now for first Rafa Matos mention of the day, you win...A NEW CAR! Unfortunately, we got your car from the "clunker" lot at the dealer down the street. Franck The Tank stuck in the pits, not going anywhere anytime soon.
Lap 45
yo HOOO! It appears Montagny was put out by a somewhat optimistic move on Richie Antinucci's part. The Ant appears to not be damaged...but we'll find out when recess (ad break) is over.
Lap 48
Helio nearly provided a fun twist to things by trying the inside line/Briscoe's right sidepod through Turn 2
Lap 49
Briscoe nearly took himself out that time...replay shows him locking up about five inches off Helio's nose...there will be a day-glo and white mess at the side of the road soon, methinks.
Lap 52
This race toggles between absolute nothingness and intense interest on a regular basis. It's nearly tolerable.
Lap 53
It turns out that the pit-in is really fun if you're a foot behind your teammate...the car in front brakes for the turn, and you don't, and the VERSUS crew FREAKS OUT!
Lap 54
Who are these f**king TV directors! The whole commentating crew begins to have an OMG moment, and you f**king CUT AWAY!?!? For a f**king PIT STOP?!?!?! And then we go to the replay and it turns out Kanaan nearly flipped Helio the f**k over?! You, sir, are an IDIOT of EPIC PROPORTIONS.
Lap 57
Lap 57 of 75...I like that. I was nearly enjoying this race when I got pissy at the director. It's like when you go to a bar with friends, are having fun, you step up to the bar, and the bartender acts a damn fool to you. Night ruined. That's about where I am right now.
Lap 59
VERSUS shows college football, which is awesome. DirecTV is about to drop VERSUS, which is completely lame. TV execs are on the level of sports agents as far as their conniving and greed.
Lap 60
Okay, I'll stop my commentary on the TV industry by mentioning that Helio had some sort of issue due to his contact with Kanaan. Mutoh has chewed and swallowed Helio for third, as some aerodynamic bit has come off of Helio's car.
Lap 62
In the "Brian Barnhart is an Idiot" files, Paul Bunyan's switchblade appears to be lying open on the inside of Turn 1...and there's no yellow? We throw yellows for bits of origami falling on the track at ovals, and there isn't even a local here? Insanity.
Lap 64
Oh...Briscoe has caught back up to Dario. Can he actually pass him this time? I doubt it. We'll find out after the recess.
Lap 66
10 to go! Dario and Briscoe holding station...and will probably stay that way. Roger Penske said so himself. This is why I hate points.
Lap 67
Here's my thought: Winning the points championship should win you a $100 VISA gift card -- we interrupt this rant to bring you Helio spinning and RHR parked at the side of the road. YELLOW!
Lap 68
Helio has had a really fun day so far. He got bumped off by Kanaan earlier and got airborne, then he got a broke suspension and flew the car sideways over the brow of a hill...FUN!
My earlier rant: The points championship should win you a $100 VISA gift card and each race should pay $1m to win. That way you won't have these dull fellows from the red-and-white teams talking about how they might stay back and gather points for the championship. You know...the people at Sonoma aren't going to see the hoisting of that big silver cup...neither are the people at Chicago or Motegi. Go out there and give the paying customer a damn good show!
Lap 71
This is a really long yellow so they can figure out how to remove a car from a completely ridiculous spot. Here's a thought: push it behind the wall and let's get this race over with.
Lap 72
GREEN! Dario keeps things interesting by...rocketing away. Big gaggle of cars following each other around behind him. J. Willy trying his durndest to get around Servia. Dixon puts the mighty pass on Marco. Back to Wilson as they head for the stripe.
Lap 73
This battle for 6th sure is swell. In the meantime, Conway is in
Lap 74
Wilson just four-wheel-drifted through the hairpin and only lost one spot. That was some serious driving by a lot of guys there.
Lap 75
White flag out! Dario running away from the field...lots of interesting stuff going on behind him, though. Dixon has moved into the top 10, amazingly enough.
Checkered Flag!
Dario goes...WIRE TO WIRE! Not bad behind him, though...MIKE CONWAY IS THIRD! Briscoe second. Moraes, Mutoh, Servia, Wilson, Kanaan, Matos, Doornbos, Andretti, Carpenter, Wheldon, Dixon (spun out of 10th to 14th), Antinucci, Patrick, Duno, Castroneves, Hunter-Reay, Montagny, Rahal, Viso.
Dixon was punted out of the way by -- guess who! -- Marco Andretti. I would be surprised if the Sheet Aluminum Hand of Faffing About (that'd be Barnhart) called him into the office for a chat.
I'm knocking on every piece of wood in my apartment right now because VERSUS has yet to interview...or even SHOW Ashley Judd. Lindy Thackston's mic is barely working anyway...someone should really consider charging everyone's battery before the race.
Three words that I despise: "Consistency Wins Championships". Ryan Briscoe mildly interested in the fact he now holds the points lead. Needs to go to the motorhome for some intense post-race chamomile tea and some chicken broth...the most EXTREME food on Earth.
Easy peazy, Conweezy gettin' the interview action for a spectacular third place. Good race for the youngster and a well-deserved shoutout to his boss-in-the-booth, Robbie Buhl. Enjoy it while it lasts, 'cause we're goin' oval racing for the rest of the year.
Scott Dixon made quite a few passes on quite a lot of people. My my, Scott, how scandalous. Unfortunately, he's not ROYALLY PISSED at Marco, who could have killed his championship race...we'll find out in several weeks.
My predictions were pretty easy, because this is Sonoma. Sure, this was a slightly more interesting edition of Sonoma, but you can't change how ridiculous this track is. Dario was the natural pick to win and that's that. Mutoh looked good until he got straight duped by Conway and Moraes on the penultimate lap. Fifth ain't too shabby, though. Montagny...man, what an unlucky debut for him. Lots of broken car around him today.
Thank the heavens, it's ovals from here on out. Next is the wild-n-crazy oval at Chicagoland which, for the first time, is being lit up and run on a Saturday night. If there's anything that could make the wild race that is usually Chicagoland better, it's lights. See you then, folks!
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